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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 10:51:08 GMT -5
There was the story of this Sicangu Lakota guy from Rosebud, Virgil Longest Braids, who walked into the Prairie Wind Casino around 9:58 pm. He sat down at the bar next to Julia Makes Good Frybread, a nice looking Oglala Lakota woman from Pine Ridge, and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building in Rapid City, preparing to jump.
Julia Makes Good Frybread looked at Virgil Longest Braids and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Virgil said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
Julia replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Virgil then placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as Julia Makes Good Frybread placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a nose dive off the building, falling to his death.
Julia was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Virgil, saying, "Fair is fair. Here's your money."
Virgil replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
Julia replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Virgil Longest Braids just took the money and asked, "Do you come here often?"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:02:21 GMT -5
New "NDN" Words The following appeared in the 5 July 2001 issue of the Rapid City Journal, in a column entitled "Four Directions", by Cheryl Long Feather. Cheryl also writes for the Bismarck Tribune. Commodify (kah-MOD-if-eye) Uncanny ability of Indian women to convert the ingredients of any standard cookbook recipe to commodity ingredients such as powered milk, powered eggs and canned meat. Powwowvow (POW-wow-vow) The standard pledge of the pow wow Romeo: "Sure, baby, I'll meet you at the next pow wow. Your're the only jingle dress dancer for me. Really! Look at this face. Would I lie?" Moccashoe (MOCK-ah-shoe) Contemporary dancer footwear designed by beading the top of tennis shoes or aquasocks instead of making moccasins the old fashion way. Skinship (SKIN-ship) The eventual relative connection that all Indian people, discover within 10 minutes of meeting each other. Visacheese (VEES-ah-cheez) Mode of exchange in which a block of commidity cheese can purchase other goods or services. Indinferior (IN-din-FEER-ee-your) A manifestation of self oppression; the practice of Indians looking down on other Indians for either not speaking the language, or not being full blood, or not participating in ceremonies, or not living on the rez, or not wearing braids, or not dancing in pow wows, or not having etc., etc., blah, blah. Biease (BEE-EYE-eez) An affliction within the Bureau of Indian Affairs characterized by the inability to keep track of millions of dollars. Snaggravated (SNAG-ra-vayt-ed) The annoying feeling one gets upon realizing that last night's snag isn't quite as hot in the light of day. Triballistic (tribal-ISS-tik) To become irrational and incoherent upon hearing the latest self-serving, short-sighted and illogical decision made by the local tribal council. Rezercize (REZ-er-size) The involuntary health regime of walking everywhere on the rez since your Indian car broke down for good. Fordrum (FORD-drum) The instrument used for singing purposes when a regular drum is not available; usually the dented hood of a one eyed Ford. Frybreadth (FRY-bredth) A unit of measurement based on the standard size of a piece of auntie's frybread. AlterNative (alter-NAY-TIV) An individual who was born and raised in the non-Indian culture, but recently "discovered" a "hidden" Indian ancestor so now uses pithy Indian phrases, assumes a name such as Laughing Rainbow, White Wolf or Dreams of Eagles, calls all Indian people Brother and Sister and wears genuine Hong Kong beadwork; usually found in the East Coast and West Coast region, but have had documented sightings in other regions as well. Councilmenopause (cown-sil-MEN-oh-paws) A disorder characterized by hot flashes, profuse sweating, impairment of speech and loss of memory; normally occurs only to tribal councilmen when cornered by a constituent.
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:05:31 GMT -5
Then there was this NDN guy who asked, "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?" The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The NDN guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, no, I'm from the Rez. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a package of kosher hot dogs, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for buffalo burgers, would you ask if I was In'dun? Would you? Would you?" The clerk says, "Well, no!" "I'm a member of AIM you know...see this on my jacket? We don't tolerate any racial profiling on the Rez, and I'm certainly not going to tolerate it here. If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? Or if I had asked you for some Tacos, would you ask if I was Mexican?" "Well, no, I probably wouldn't.", said the clerk, now trembling a little. With deep self-righteous indignation, the NDN guy says, "Then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk sheepishly replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:06:47 GMT -5
Question: How many Oglalas does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Seven...One to actually change the light bulb, and six to sing the Light Bulb Changing Song.
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:09:41 GMT -5
Recently, Rosebud just received 7 new septic tanks, and as soon as they learn how to drive them, they are planning on invading Pine Ridge.
However, them Sicangus over on Rosebud tried to invade Pine Ridge once before, some years back. A bunch of Oglalas rallied and threw genades at them. Unfortunately, the Sicangus pulled the pins and threw 'em back.
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:12:00 GMT -5
An Anthropologist was conducting a study on Indian Women. At the end of his study, he gave a presentation of his results! In the meeting, he said that according to his research... Ojibway women have a tendency to walk behind their men, letting the men lead them.
Cheyenne women walked in front of their men, guiding them. Crow women, he discovered walked beside their men.
At the end of his presentation he revealed that Haudenosaunee women had the tendency to "walk all over their men". Of course he never did mention Lakota women...
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:24:10 GMT -5
Non-NDN folks frequently ask NDNs what they do to occupy their time on the Rez, when so many are out of work. So, let me give you an example. The other day my cousin and his wife told me they went up to Rapid and went into a shop. They were only in there for about 5 minutes, but when they came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. They went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving an NDN a break?" He ignored them and continued writing the ticket. Then my cousin called him a bad name, and he glared at them and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. My cousin's wife then called him a bad name, and the cop finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first, then started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes they told me. The more they verbally abused the cop, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, they later told me, they didn't care much, since their car was parked around the corner, and the car the cop was writing up had a bumper sticker that stated "Support Jay Allen's Biker Bar at Bear Butte". Folks on the Rez try to have a little fun every once in awhile.... ;D
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:27:33 GMT -5
A very shy Lakota guy goes into the Prairie Wind Casino and sees a very very beautiful Shoshoni woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of staring at her and gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling at the top of her lungs, "NO, I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!!" The bar gets quiet and everyone is staring at them. He slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the Shoshoni woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles and says, "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a student in Psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To that, the Lakota guy yells at the tops of his lungs, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN 20 BUCKS AND A BLOCK OF CHEESE!!!!"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:28:33 GMT -5
Grover, a cousin from Pine Ridge, got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding on his way back from Rapid one time last summer. The trooper started to lecture him about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around, to try to make Grover uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. Grover said, "Havin' some problems with circle flies, enit?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are... I never heard of circle flies." So Grover says, "Circle flies are common on Pine Ridge, ya know. They say they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses back end?" Then Grover says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses back end." The trooper then says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, Grover says, "Hard to fool them flies though, enit?"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:29:17 GMT -5
A very beautiful Lakota woman was sitting at a bar in the Prairie Wind Casino enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, middle-aged Crow man with long braids entered. He was so striking that the Lakota woman could not take her eyes off him. The confident Crow man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." A bit startled but intrigued, the Lakota woman asked what the condition was. He then replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and in a slow and sultry voice she said...."Clean my house."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:31:21 GMT -5
Did you know that the word 'vegetarian' is actually derived from an old Lakota term? When translated it means "can't hunt."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:41:09 GMT -5
A Kiowa guy I know in Oklahoma has six beautiful children, and is very proud of his "masculine achievement." He got to be so proud of himself that he started calling his wife "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections. One night they went to a "49" after the Pow-Wow's evening session ended. As the morning light started to show on the horizon, the Kiowa guy decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his Comanche wife was ready to leave as well. So he shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home my little mother of six?" His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, father of four!"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:42:00 GMT -5
Recently released recording of the FBI at Pine Ridge: The neighbor: "Hello...this the FBI?" FBI: "Yes, this is the FBI what do you want?" The neighbor: "I'm calling to report my neighbor Billy Two Teeth. He lives out near Highway 18, and he's hiding lots of marijuana inside his firewood. That's against the law...enit?" FBI: "Yes, thank you very much for the call, sir. We'll get right on it." The next day, 5 FBI agents descend on Billy Two Teeth's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but found no marijuana. After 2 hours they swore and cursed at Billy Two Teeth and left. Shorty after, the phone rings at Billy Two Teeth's house, it's the neighbor, "Hey, Billy! Did the FBI come to your place?" Billy: "Yeah!" The neighbor: "Did they chop up your firewood?" Billy: "Yeah...like they wuz lookin' for sumpthin'." The neighbor: "Merry Christmas cousin!!"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:44:45 GMT -5
Favorite moments from the movie "Smoke Signals"
Randy Peone: "Good morning, this is Randy Peone on KREZ radio, the voice of the Coeur d'Alene Indian Reservation. And it's time for the morning traffic report on this rainy Bicentennial Fourth of July. Let's go out to Lester Falls Apart in the KREZ traffic van broken down at the crossroads."
Lester Falls Apart: "Big truck just went by... now it's gone."
Randy Peone: "Well, there you go folks. Looks like another busy morning."
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Velma: "Hey Thomas, need a ride?"
Thomas Builds The Fire: "Yeaaah!"
Velma: "What are ya goin' to trade for it. We're Indians, remember. We barter!"
Thomas Builds The Fire: "A story?"
Lucy: "Better be good, enit?"
Thomas Builds The Fire: "Arnold got arrested, you know. But he got lucky. They charged him with attempted murder. Then they plea-bargained that down to assault with a deadly weapon. Then they plea-bargained that down to being an Indian in the Twentieth Century. Then he got two years in Walla-Walla."
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Thomas Builds The Fire and Victor Joseph sing on the bus...
Wey yah hey ya he yo, wey yah hey John Wayne's teeth John Wayne's teeth Are they false or are they real? Ha ha hey yah ha hey yah hey Wey yo hey ya hey ya ho John Wayne's teeth John Wayne's teeth Are they plastic or are they steel?
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Thomas Builds The Fire: "Sometimes it's a good day to die, and sometimes it's a good day to have breakfast."
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Thomas Builds The Fire: "The only thing more pathetic than Indians on TV, is Indians watching Indians on TV."
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Velma: "You guys got your passports?"
Thomas Builds The Fire: "Passports?"
Velma: "Yeaaah, you're leavin' the rez and goin' into a whole different country, cousin."
Thomas Builds The Fire: "But... but, it's the United States."
Lucy: "d**n right it is! That's as foreign as it gets. Hope you two have your vaccinations."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:46:02 GMT -5
It seems old man One Tooth from Slim Buttes was having some money problems, and bought a horse from old man Frowns Allot from Kyle for $100. Old man Frowns Allot agreed to deliver the horse the next day. However, the next day old man Frowns Allot drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news...the horse died." "Well then, just give me my money back," said old man One Tooth. "Can't do that," old man Frowns Allot said. "I went and spent it already." "OK, then. Just unload the horse," said old man One Tooth. "What ya gonna do with a dead horse?", old man Frowns Allot asked. "I'm going to raffle him off." he replied. "You can't raffle off a dead horse!" old man Frowns Allot exclaimed. "Sure I can." said old man One Tooth. "I just won't tell anybody he's dead." A month later the two old Oglala men met up at Big Bats for coffee. Old man Frowns Allot asked, "Whatever happened with that dead horse?" Old man One Tooth replied, "I raffled him off at the rodeo in Chadron, just like I said I would. I sold 500 tickets to them cowboys at $2 a piece and made a profit of $998." "Didn't anyone complain?" old man Frowns Allot inquired. "Just the guy who won." said old man One Tooth. "So I gave him his two dollars back."
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