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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:46:59 GMT -5
Then there was the story of old man Has No Cheese up in Montana who was stopped by a game warden recently leaving a river well known for its fishing with two ice chests of fish. The game warden asked old man Has No Cheese, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?" "Shhi....I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish." "Pet fish?" the game warden asked. "Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home." "That's a bunch of you know what! Fish can't do that!", the game warden replied. Old man Has No Cheese looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works." The game warden stepped back and said, "Okay, I've GOT to see this!" Old man Has No Cheese poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?" "Well, what?" said old man Has No Cheese. "When are you going to call them back?" "Call who back?" "The FISH!" "What fish?"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:50:15 GMT -5
One Eye Billy, an elderly Choctaw I know in southern Alabama, owned a large farm for several years. Billy had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some peach trees. The catfish pond was pretty good size and fixed up nice for swimming when it was built. One evening, Billy decided to go down to the pond to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some peaches. When Billy neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young college girls skinny-dipping in his pond. Billy cleared his throat and made the young college girls aware of his presence, and they all quickly went to the middle of the pond to stay covered up to their necks. One of the college girls shouted to him, "we're not coming out until you leave!" Billy frowned and said, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked, or even make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator," and the college girls ran out of the pond naked. One Eye Billy may only have one eye, but he can still think fast....
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:51:44 GMT -5
Three NDNs were out in the Iraqi desert doing recon for a Company of U.S. Marines. "I understand that you NDNs have brought your own unique indigenous survival equipment for staying out in the desert", inquired their Captain. "Sir, I have brought an entire barrel cactus" said the Pima guy, proudly. "Back home on the Pima Reservation in Arizona, when I get too hot, I just cut off the top from this kind of cactus and take a drink." The Captain looked impressed. Not to be outdone, the Pueblo guy said "Sir, I have brought some sacred corn pollen I brought from my village in New Mexico. When I get too hot, I pray with it, and then it will rain." The Captain looked even more impressed. Not to be outdone the Lakota guy from Pine Ridge said, "I brought a car door off a 1969 Chevy Impala." "Why would you do that?" the Captain asked. "Well," said the Lakota guy, "when I would get too hot back on Pine Ridge, I'd just roll down the window."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:52:32 GMT -5
Have you heard about the newest development in alternative, low cost fuel? They say it's better than corn-based ethanol. It seems that some folks over on Pine Ridge have developed a cheap and easy to find ingredient. Used frybread oil! The fuel is going to be marketed as "Rezanol". ;D
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:53:24 GMT -5
Question: What do you call ten Blackfoot in a sweatlodge?
Answer: "Gorillas In The Mist"
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:54:24 GMT -5
Last summer, my friend Joe Has-No-Teeth and I were at a Pow-Wow in Tennessee. When the afternoon dance session ended, we headed back to camp and started to remove some of our dance clothes. We then noticed two middle-aged white ladies approaching. At first we were thinking they'd walk past and keep going. However, they decided to stop and chat awhile. One of the ladies mentioned how beautiful our beadwork was, and the other went on to say, "Did you know that I'm part..." Joe Has-No-Teeth said, "Wait a minute, don't tell me. You're great, great, great grandmother was a Cherokee Princess right?" They both looked at each other in amazement and one of the ladies said, "You see, he can tell."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 11:57:48 GMT -5
A Blackfoot friend in Montana was telling me that because of the frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts in Glacier National Park last year, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field this season. He said they have posted the following notice:
"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle any bears.
We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.
Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between Black Bear and Grizzly Bear feces.
Black Bear feces is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly Bear feces has little bells in it and smells like pepper."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 12:00:58 GMT -5
After having dug to a depth of 50 feet last year, Mexican scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Mexicans, in the weeks that followed, Texas scientists dug to a depth of 75 feet, and shortly after, headlines in the Houston newspapers read:
"Texas archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Mexicans."
One week later, the "Standing Rock Sioux Tribal Council", in it's Reservation wide newsletter reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 90 feet in wash beds near Bear Soldier District, Casper One Horse, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. One Horse has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Natives had already gone wireless."
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 12:04:17 GMT -5
Seafood on Pine Ridge ;D
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 12:05:53 GMT -5
Did you hear the one about the two Oglala boys who got the munchies while watching old re-runs of Lassie? (Josh!) ;D
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Post by Historian on Jun 27, 2009 12:09:00 GMT -5
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa Walks Funny from Pine Ridge, and summons him to the local IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa Walks Funny showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, either at the Prairie Wind Casino or anywhere else, and I can prove it," says Grandpa Walks Funny. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa Walks Funny says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa Walks Funny removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa Walks Funny then says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa Walks Funny isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa Walks Funny removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three thousand dollars, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. So he starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa Walks Funny asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old Indian guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa Walks Funny stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa Walks Funny's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa Walks Funny told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk, and that you'd be happy about it!"
Moral of the story: Don't mess with Elders!!
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Post by Historian on Jun 28, 2009 13:01:33 GMT -5
A non-NDN lawyer and an NDN are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that NDNs are not very well educated, so that he could put one over on him easy. So the lawyer asks if the NDN would like to play a fun game.
The NDN is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun.
"I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. You ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500," he says.
This catches the NDNs attention, and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The NDN doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the Indian's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the NDN and hands him $500. The Indian pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the NDN up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The NDN reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.
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Post by Historian on Jun 28, 2009 13:02:53 GMT -5
Did you here about the two old Lakotas driving along Highway 18 on Pine Ridge Reservation? It seems they were looking for a place to stop and have something to eat before the long drive up to Rapid City.
The Lakota from Pine Ridge says, "Let's stop here, and have our lunch under that tree over there."
The other Lakota from Rosebud says, "No! If I pull off the road, I might blow a tire. Let's just park the car right here in the middle of the road. Besides, there's no one around."
They argued about it for a bit, but finally agreed to have their lunch in the middle of the road.
All of a sudden, a car full of tourists comes speeding towards them and has to swerve into the tree to keep from hitting them.
The Lakota from Rosebud says to the other Lakota, "See? If we were under that tree, we'd be dead now!"
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Post by Historian on Jun 28, 2009 13:04:32 GMT -5
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside Stockman's Bar in Missoula, Montana. Late in the evening the officer noticed a young Cheyenne man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The Cheyenne man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the Cheyenne man managed to find his pickup, which then fell into. He was there in the driver's seat for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off, though it was a clear night, flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the Cheyenne man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the Cheyenne man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the Cheyenne man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy, it's an ol' Indian trick!
Them Cheyenne sure can be sneaky sometimes.
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Post by Historian on Jun 28, 2009 13:06:54 GMT -5
Recently, I heard about a young and very pretty Blackfoot woman who married an Euro-American gentleman and they were living happily in northern Montana. However, the young Blackfoot woman was not very proficient in English, but she did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
A few days later, she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
Later in the month, the Blackfoot lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store and.......
Wait a minute! What were you thinking?!! Hellooooooo...her husband speaks English! ;D
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